Updated: May 19
When it comes to it, I'm a shy person. A homebody and most times, want to be left alone. I guess thats the "only child" in me even though I'm no longer that. So, this quarantine is nothing for me. I truly feel for the ones that it's difficult for and pray for your continued strength. I did have one day where I felt like I needed to be out the house, besides that, its been a very "self growing" experience.
I've learned a lot about myself and who I want to create myself to be. I've challenged my focus, my disorganization and my lack of time with God. I've been exercising, although it hasn't been as consistent as it started out to be. I've been recording. The music has been flowing through me like a stream through rocks. I've been planning next moves and understanding what I want to convey. Allowing God to deconstruct areas of my life that have been causing me baggage. Especially, when it comes to why I haven't called as much family during this time. There's a selfish side of myself that I'm also attacking. I just want to come out of this better than I was when this all started. I feel thats the purpose of why God did this. For us to draw closer to Him. For us to finally hear Him talking to us because we've been so distracted otherwise.
So I've been doing my best to take things slow and listen.
One thing that has surfaced to my understanding is my dislike of being controlled and/or told what to do. My need to have things on my terms has enlarged and has screamed its way out of the confinements I placed it in. Not to down play my reasoning for something and trade it for what is marketable, because your gut will never lie to you. I'm understanding that every action has to have an intention of light behind it or it serves no true purpose for me. Then allowing that intention to do its magic, or "work," for those of you scared of that word, is the best way to live in purpose.
I also understand this way of thinking confuses some of the people I work with and/or know me because I haven't displayed my full unapologetic truth. I've been taught to reserve my opinions, compromise as much as possible and allow others to dictate my place in the world all in the name of marketability. This way of thinking began to embed itself the day the industry took notice to me. But thats not life, thats not living. We aren't products, we're human. The moment we view ourselves as such is the moment we begin the dehumanizing of ourselves. And in that moment insecurities, doubts, fears and anything else low frequency in you mutates. This is why I believe so many artist run to dark vices such as drugs, sex and alcohol. I'm doing my best to destroy this way of thinking. This type of mind control is taught so the ones who have invested in you make sure you do what you're suppose to do to maintain that investment. Shit, I've even taught this way of thinking to other artist. Thinking this is the best way to put everything into perspective. So if you're reading this and I've broke this down to you, I'm sorry for aiding in your bondage. I pray you break free. You're not a product, you're human.
Consequences come with everything, whether they are good or bad, that is something we can not help. When we begin to control that, you no longer live. But if you focus on the intention in those choices, you start to live in purpose. Purpose enlarges your light, which increases your living. Purpose will always find itself to the masses, or whatever your audience is. It will just happen when its suppose to.
Its funny, cause in my re-reading of this to make sure this makes sense, I'm reminded of how long it took for the music industry to embed that way of thinking in me. It didn't line up with me and made me nauseous all the time. I knew it wasn't right and in the need to not disappoint all who invested in me, I followed suit and let my human down. Even now I see I wasn't even focused on the dream of singing just the point of not letting the investors down. That's powerful. It honestly began there. The moment I signed was the moment that mental programming began.
We're in a time where people need rescuing and healing like never before. Just think about it, so many are depressed, anxiety plagued and so much more. I plan on allowing God to use me as She sees fit.
And no I'm not depressed or down. I'm allowing God to speak and show me things about myself. I've decided to take the trip of evolution and be better than yesterday. With that, sometimes you have to go back and destroy the things that won't allow that.
Like black people to slavery...but that's another subject